Vulnerability is Kicking my A**

vulnerabilityahead

Confession: I love Brene Brown!! She regularly kicks my a**, and gives me so much hope to keep getting back up, wipe the blood from my lip, and get back into the arena of my life. I just started a connection group that is reading Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution. By Brene Brown. We are reading the introduction and chapter 1 this week. I am already on the ground with the awareness the Lord has helped me to see my true self. Three quotes really helped me to see where I am at, and where I want to go.

To pretend that we can get to helping, generous, and brave without navigating through tough emotions like desperation, shame, and panic is a profoundly dangerous and misguided assumption.  Rising Strong by Brene Brown

Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.  Rising Strong by Brene Brown

Daring is not saying, “I’m willing to risk failure.”  Daring is saying, “I know I will eventually fail, and I’m still all in.”  Rising Strong by Brene Brown

I want to get more comfortable with feeling desperation, shame, and panic. I knew that by choosing to be vulnerable I would experience moments of shame.  I never considered that I would feel any other emotions like desperation or panic, and I have felt them, and they overwhelmed me, and took me by surprise. I felt paralyzed, and choked with pain.  I felt that I couldn’t function or make any choices to protect myself.  I felt so exposed, that I froze internally.  Hearing that desperation and panic are a normal part of the process comforts me. Because there is a part of myself that was confused and felt I was doing something wrong, and that there was something lacking in me.

Another aspect of vulnerability that I have focused on is showing up and being seen. But I haven’t spent much time considering that I can’t control how others perceive or react to my vulnerability, and that still scares the s*** out of me.  I still lie to myself that I can fix or make them like me after I expose my true self.  What a lie from the pit of hell that has been keeping me in bondage.  I can’t control anything, and it grieves, and breaks my heart to admit it.

Reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown really helped me to risk failure, and expose my true self more often.  But I haven’t spent much time really owning that “I know I will eventually fail, and I’m still all in.”(Rising Strong)  Am I really all in when I fail?  I think some parts of my life I am all in.  The parts of me where I want to be like and perceived well? Not so much.  I don’t have compassion on myself in those moments and I judge myself so harshly.  I want to be free to fail, and not have my self-worth attached to my likability level.  What a putrid way to live! Yuck! I hate it! Lord that I would choose life!!! Confession:  I want my fellow group members to be blown away by my eloquence, thus increasing my likability in their eyes. A motive full of death! Lord I am so grateful I am not alone in this!!!

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